He has begun a story without a beginning...

Posting some of my fanartz. And random artz.

2008-05-17T06:18:08Z

Mmmmm new L'ame Immortelle album. <3 WAY better than their last couple of albums.

Making another Gundam 00 FST, by the way. Mostly HalAl with some Lockon. Also making a Togainu no Chi one for Gunzi. Yea, you better believe it. Ficwise I'm at that awkward point where I have about a hundred pages worth of stuff that I have to type up. Trinity Blood, Gundam 00, and Togainu no Chi. BUT I AM SO DAMN LAZY. That and when I try to type them up I realize how bad they suck and just laugh at myself.

I got really bored and counted all the little sketches I have in my notes that I've drawn over the semester and came to this tally. I was going to scan them, but it's kind of pointless because a) they suck b) they're tiny and c) I can just take pictures of them like this. THIS IS MY PROOF THAT MY ART SUCKS. XD And that my classes have been really boring this semester. These are all pretty much 5-minute sketches in margins of notebooks, so don't expect anything large or complicated or colored or anything like that.

H/Alle's hair is reversed, as these are photos. So Alle has is left side covered, Halle his right. Whateverrrr. If I scanned them, they would be fixed, but I'm lazy.

Allelujah - 13
Hallelujah - 6
Doublejah - 3
Lockon - 1 (hahahaha he looks awful_
Setsuna - 1
Sumeragi - 2
Johann - 2
Kinue - 1

Cloud Strife - 1
Kairi - 2

Gunji - 12 (usually shirtless)
Kiriwar - 2
Inu - 1

Isaak - 2
Dietrich - 1
TB characters are HORRIBLE to draw. The outfits are ridiculous and I can't draw Dietrich's hair, nor middle-aged faces, so Isaak was also out pretty much. Also why I only drew Kiriwar twice and Snape once.

Snape - 1

Random boys - 1 (KH style)
Random girls - 4
(I also can't draw boobs, which is a little depressing, but oh well).

Dogs - 2
Dragons - 5
Bats - 1

Regardless of the suckage, I may seriously try to pick up drawing again over the summer. God knows I'll be bored enough. -_-

playing with figurines.

2008-05-14T02:45:51Z

Photos of my Allelujah and Lockon figures holding hands.

XD

Fanfic! After waaaay too long of not writing one.

2008-05-11T04:47:48Z

OH DAMN A FANFIC. This is an idea I had a couple of weeks ago, haven't had the change to finish it until this weekend though. It's nice to not have a huge school project looming over you. Anyway, this is kind of a weird fic coming from me. It's from a girl's POV (what the crap how do I know anything about how girls think?) but it's a subtle yaoi fic. Weird, I say!

Devoid - FF.Net Link

Sumeragi, up late drinking one night, receives an unexpected visitor, and an even more unexpected talk.
PG13. Implied Lockon x Allelujah, Allelujah x Sumeragi, Lockon x Setsuna.

Devoid
By PikaCheeka

He stood in the doorway quietly, and by the time I noticed him he had likely been there for several minutes. It isn’t easy to hear someone approaching on this ship, it having such minimal gravity. I jumped slightly, reaching for the bottle, ready to hide it, but it was only Setsuna. I wasn’t in the mood for Tieria to bitch at me about my drinking, though Setsuna would not say anything. He never did. He moved further into the kitchen and stopped again.

I stood up and propelled myself towards the fridge, not waiting for him to speak, as I knew he wouldn’t. He would only stand there uncomfortably. Well, making me uncomfortable. I don’t think he’s ever felt that in his life. “Chocolate milk okay?”

He didn’t answer. Instead he continued to stare at me. “His door is locked.”

It took me a long and confused moment to understand what he was talking about. Then I knew. “Oh.” I moved back to the table and sat again, placing the bottle across from me. It was as if he knew why I was drinking.

Lockon was the only person on board he ever spoke to normally, so it was reasonable to assume he was the one Setsuna was referring to. After all, it was fairly common knowledge that Setsuna had the habit of slipping into Lockon’s bedroom and letting himself be read to. Because Lockon was the only one allowed to treat him like the child he still was. Lockon was the only one allowed to see a spark of interest in his cold eyes. Christina had panicked when she first found out. She had run to me, babbling hysterically about how the older man was seducing boys, but I knew better. There was no such tension between them, only mind-numbing blind adoration, concern, and curiosity. Not a sexual curiosity, at least not that I had ever been able to notice. Setsuna at times seemed as strangely sexless as Tieria did, though I suspected he was anything but innocent. Child soldiers never were in that respect.

And Lockon’s door was likely locked. For the same reason Allelujah’s room was empty.

He sat at the table beside me, which caught me by surprise. I hadn’t noticed him move, nor had I expected him to sit next to me. He didn’t say another word, only sat there, staring at his bottle of milk, as if he wanted me to fill the silence, demanding me to with his own inability to do so.

“He’s an adult, Setsuna,” I sighed after a long moment, lifting up the half-empty bottle of beer and swishing it absently. I knew the words were stupid, meaningless, as Setsuna was easily the most mature person on board at times. He had seen more, done more, and survived more than any one of us. And he was only sixteen. Eight years younger than Lockon. Eleven years younger than me. God, was I really that old?

“I know.” He fidgeted as he said it, finally reaching for his drink, only to inspect it at a closer viewpoint. “So is Allelujah.”

“Yes,” I answered softly. An adult, or at least a month or two away from being one, but still closer to Setsuna in age than to Lockon. Far too young for me. Seven and a half years between us almost to the day, and those years made it impossible, set us infinitely far apart. If it had been the other way around, no one would ever have questioned it. It was perfectly normal for the man to be older, even by a decade. And it was perfectly normal that Lockon was several years older than him, as when it is two men it isn’t strange either.

“Does it upset you?” He asked it so quietly I almost believed I imagined it. It was something so unlike him to say, besides.

And I laughed, surprised at my own bitterness. Should I not be past this? I was almost thirty. People my age don’t cry like a child because the person they love isn’t interested. They shrug and move on. I’d made enough men do that over me in my time, so why should I expect it to be different now that I was the one ignored? No. He didn’t ignore me. He loved me. It was clear he did. But I was his big sister, his confidante and sometimes-best-friend. He was obedient and over-protective, and I was fairly certain he would take issue with any man who dated me, but not because he was jealous. He would do so because his chivalric code of fraternal love commanded it. “Is it that obvious?”

He nodded, as if completely unaware of how deeply this entire conversation was disturbing me. “Same here.”

His words didn’t match my question, and though it wasn’t difficult to know what he meant by it, I was still surprised. Was he genuinely admitting he was upset about this, or was he only trying to comfort me? But Setsuna was not one to waste words on comfort. That would have been Christina, Lockon, Allelujah, but never Setsuna. Because he had never known comfort, and when you live sixteen years without ever knowing it, you grow accustomed to not having it, and it seems superfluous. The food for the weak. I suppose it is. And I don’t know why I asked, but I did. Morbid curiosity, maybe, or simply masochism. “You do know what they’re doing, don’t you?” I asked gently.

“Sex.” He said it simply, stupidly. No foolish ideas of them making love, no angry words of fucking or banging. Just one single word, devoid of all meaning. It would have made more of an impact if he had said copulation even, or some other scientific and tedious word. But in saying it in such a way as he did, he made it completely empty. I was being hurt by a word.

I had known it was coming. Had recognized the looks Lockon gave him, the predatory gleam in his eye that Allelujah responded boldly to with his own. Had noticed the touches, the flustered look they sometimes had if one walked into the same room as them unexpectedly, as if they had just jumped off one another. And the day Tieria had come to me, raging incoherently about them being unfit, being too human and too damnably stupid, I didn’t bat an eye. I would have laughed were it anyone other than Allelujah he spoke of, would have asked how exactly Tieria found out, but I didn’t dare open my mouth. I simply shrugged, and that was the end of it. I didn’t bother telling him it had been going on for months. The sex had, at least, ever since that time they had traveled to Ireland to lay flowers on the grave of Lockon’s parents. Because after that trip they were different together.

“Setsuna… It’s normal. There’s nothing wrong with him, with either of them. They’re the closest in age and they’re both ready and able adults.” I trailed off for a moment. Could I actually say they were in love? They cared about one another. That was clear. And this was something that had been long in coming. It wasn’t just one violent fuck all of a sudden that escalated into this. It had been developing silently for years.

“You can say it.”

“What?”

“Why not me?”

The words shocked me, more than anything else he had said that night. But before I could respond he stood up and propelled himself towards the door. He was gone. He had been gone before he even said those last words, because who he said them for I would never know.

TRENDDDDDD

2008-05-08T00:46:58Z

So I started this trend on the Gundam 00 Kinkmeme or H/Allelujah being a stud-soldier (Not unlike what the Nazis tried to create. Which makes me realize that Johann and Miheal are possibly in the same situation).

And now everyone's going crazy with it.

I feel special. <3

OMG WTF BBQ 404!!!!!!!!

2008-05-06T18:37:45Z

I PASSED.

par-tay at my el-jay to-nite.

Gimme some Halle yaoi. <3

HIATUS IS OVER.

Twenty hours from now.

2008-05-05T21:06:36Z

Not only does my grade/degree rest on this, but the entire reputation of Percy Shelley does. If I do well and convince my professors he's worth the time, he'll be given a deeper study in our curriculum.

Pray for me. Or hope everything goes well. <3

"I am the Knight of the Shield of Shadow."

Hiatus Break Part the Second.

2008-04-27T20:21:13Z

Have a rant post on life that I'll stick up later when I'm not feeling so angry about my JP. JUST SOME FUN STUFF FOR NOW.

I've been uploading some music for you, as well. Have more coming.

Best of Xenosaga I-III mix by me. 24 tracks. Chose all my favorites from the OST, which is 6 CDs long. 73 MB. The Xenosaga OST is my favorite video game/anime/anything soundtrack. It is insane how much time I have spent listening to this. Philharmonic Orchestra. =D

Code Geass OST 1 Just because I have it up'ed. And season 2 has some similar music. 78 MB.

So a month or so into the new season. Watching Code Geass R2 of course. Dropped Junjo Romantica because it's so exactly like the manga it's boring. Thinking about dropping Vampire Knight for the same reasons. First 3 episodes are the first 3 chapters pretty much exactly. Though I admit I'm curious as to how both of these series will end....as both are still going in manga form. I picked up Nabari No Ou. DO NOT EVEN ASK. Ghost Hound ended and I'm still beating my face against the wall about it. What happened to the crazy green-haired guy???? And the biooids turned out oddly cute. Persona Trinity Soul is getting damn good and I love the new theme song (a lot of people actually dropped this series, but I love it).

As for manga, nothing's being released and it's getting boring. Bought Vampire Knight 4 and the next Trinity Blood novel (will post on it when I read, but Isaak isn't in it so I'm pissed). And something called Switch because it's interesting (split personality murderer yum) and has wild potential shounen-ai. Still having to wait a million years between releases on D.Gray-man, Loveless, Dragon Knight and In The End. What else am I even COLLECTING right now? I'll buy Fairy Cube because I am faithful to Kaori Yuki, but only because of that. Hrm. That's all I'm collecting. Besides Junjo Romantica and whatever yaoi I find to my liking.

NEED MORE GUNDAM.

I'm both glad and annoyed that the series is continuing in manga form to cover the 4-year gap. Glad because we have something canon to follow until October. Annoyed because it's going to cause wild canon confusion (going to? it already has), especially not that it's been licensed and we're going to get all new fans now.

Whatever. Someone just scan and translate it NOW.

What is all this bullshit about Allelujah being a prisoner of war? One post in the AS forums that the poster will not back up nor elaborate upon and everyone's already writing fics about it. All we know is that ONE Meister was POSSIBLY taken as a POW. We don't know who, and we don't even know if they definitely were taken. My word on it

I WILL NOT HAVE ANYTHING BAD HAPPEN TO MY ALLE. And that includes him being paired with Soma, damnit.

And here's a 100-word Lockon x Allelujah that I wrote for the Kinkmeme. Noncon.
Nobody has WRITTEN ME MY GUNZI X HALLELUJAH. Oh well.

Padded Rooms by PikaCheeka

Nobody listens to his screams when he's in that padded room. There we are safe. There I can do as I please with him and there are no questions. They don't see what I do, don't see his eyes widen in terror the moment I lock that door behind me, don't see him submit to me, thrashing and sobbing and finally begging.

They all assume he did it to himself, fisted himself and clawed himself, crazy as he is. And any bruises I may have are only because I tried to calm him down.

I'm his best friend, after all.

Execution date.

2008-04-18T19:20:48Z

Hiatus is boring.

Sign-up sheet went up for the JPs, and my friends and I are so lame we pretty much camped out in front of the board for two hours. Considering there are only 21 people signing up, and 9 of us were there, it was pretty damn pointless, BUT. I am the first literature major going (they let PoliSci and Phil majors go first).

May 6th at 1 PM.

WTF DOES AN ACTUAL DATE MAKE IT BETTER OR WORSE?

Totally stupidly addicted to Togainu No Chi doujinshi. Gunzi (Gunji?) IS Hallelujah. AND HE'S DAMN HOT. Seriously...his hair even covers his left eye most of the time. So now I want a tattooed Hallelujah.

It's time for another....

2008-04-13T15:00:32Z

HALF-ASSED HIATUS!!!!

From now until sometime between May 5th and 9th

Due to my Junior Project coming up, I haven't really had the time to be as stupidly addicted to Livejournal as I usually am. I haven't been keeping up with my F-List (been skimming it only) or comments or anything of the like, so I might as well post an explanation and a hiatus notice. (yay!)

I'll still be around, of course. So if anything dire (or hopelessly stupid) comes up, I shall comment. And I'll be writing periodically over the next few weeks, and still checking the Gundam communities because I NEED MY FANDOM.

But all in all, I won't be in-your-face-raping-your-journal like I usually am for the next month or so. I need to be putting some serious time into this project now that I'm down to the month mark, like 6-8 hours a day. So my usual internetz time is being cut into drastically. Once it's over though, I'll have a week left of school and then summer vacation.

Wish me luck. <3

PS - Am currently working on eight different G00 fics. Several for the Kinkmeme. So expect those sometime during hiatus. I said it was half-assed, didn't I?

PSS - HARO HAS A PIKACHU MODE. IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

Mmmmmm Canon-Gh3y.

2008-04-11T01:42:10Z

Lockon x Allelujah has been confirmed as far as this fangirl is concerned.

Between "Two people on a deserted island..." and "Dynamos rode on top of Kyrios into battle"......yea. NO FURTHER EXPLANATION NEEDED.

And speaking of Lockon x Allelujah, I got two of my doujinshi yesterday! I'll be scanning them this weekend when I have time...I say they're both PG because they may be talking about pronny things and I don't know it, but they're both just shounen-ai. Out of the three stories in them, there's only one kiss. WHAT THE HELL I WANT SOME NAKED ALLELUJAH. But that's okay. I'll find some someday.

Sucre x Sale
PG
Lockon x Allelujah
Lockon is feeling angsty. Everyone's pissed at him about SOMETHING (bad-touching Tieria I think) so he's sulking in the hallway with Haro, who Setsuna had just thrown across the dinner table. Allelujah comes and gives him some alcohol because that cures all angst. Lockon tries to kiss him. Alle becomes Halle, decks him, gives him the finger. Lockon goes OMG WTF BBQ (wicked funny face) and all of a sudden Halle's like "Oh, it's you" and hugs him. Flashback to "Ten years previous" when Allelujah was new in CB. Must have been right after Halle emerged. A and L are ten and fourteen, and Lockon is comforting Alle, who's all scared and nervous AND HOLDING A STUFFED BUNNY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So Halle decides Lockon is okay after all. But Lockon is weirded out. Then there's a script page I don't understand. And then Lockon gets Allelujah into his room and he holds his hand and starts touching his hair and face and Alle gets all "omg please stop oh I'm being coy fuck me now". And they get called over the intercom to report to the bridge for a mission or something. Alle's relieved and Lockon's pissed. The end.

Quartetto
PG
Lockon x Setsuna, Tieria x Allelujah (yea not even kidding)
Setsuna is showing Lockon where he grew up (something like that) and they're talking about not having a home anymore or anything. They take pictures with Lockon's phone because I guess rubble of your house is good to photograph. Lockon decides this is good seduction time and grabs Setsuna and kisses him. Setsuna is totally cool with this, as they make out for a while, then he gets pissed and smacks Lockon. Lockon doesn't take the hint and hugs him. Setsuna gets up and walks away. Lockon is GROUCHY.

Allelujah is sulking about Sumeragi or about something she said? I don't know. Sort of confused there. So he goes out for a walk in the rain and he's all wet and angsty and Allelujah. Tieria comes up to him with am umbrella and is like "wtf are you stupid?" and offers him the umbrella. Alle is like "wtf why are you being nice?" and Tieria's just like "wtf asshole" and so they stand under the umbrella together And Alle tells him why he's sad. Then Tieria suddenly starts bad-touching Allelujah and Allelujah blushes like crazy, and Tieria gets this creeeeeeepy look on his face and laughs. So wow. Tieria is totally dom there.

Still waiting for a Lockon x Allelujah called "Lost Child".

Anyway, going crazy trying to find this doujinshi, "Eri Eri Lema Sabachtani?" because it's by that amazing HalAl artist...and it's Lockon x Hal x Al. AND OH MY GOD I NEED THIS BOOK.

Well this looks like an EXCITING season

2008-04-06T07:07:43Z

I don't know what the crap this says but it is some REALLY FUNNY JEREMIAH COSPLAY. I think he thinks he's like a Japanese David Bowie or something.

Weirdass Gayass Cosplay

Anyway, figured I'd do my little Anime Spring '08 post, because if I don't pretend to do something I'm going to sit around all night answering things on the Gundam 00 kink-meme. Or laughing about the really damn funny Lockon x Allelujah fic I found.

~~Tower of Druaga - Couldn't even get through all of one episode. TOTALLY BORED, even though half my FList is thrilled with it. I'm not big on humor series.~~

Code Geass 2 - Yea. The only one I'm really excited about, but after G00 I know I'm just going to be disappointed in it. I know you really can't compare the two, but I'm still going to feel like it's a letdown after G00. I've gotten used to people fusing war, mecha, and realism, and now we're going back to magical powers. And Lelouch's craziness is only half as sexy as H/Allelujah's. That and I don't really love any of the characters besides Lulu, but he won't die early on. Jeremiah is the cockroach. I like Kallen, and I'll probably like Rollo. But yea, not attached to the characters like I am to the G00 guys (and girls).

Junjo Romantica - A yaoi manga being turned into a 24-EPISODE TV SERIES. I'm intrigued, because it's a long manga series anyway, and if the show is 24 episodes they can't cut out all the plot and character development and make it straight pr0nz like they do with yaoi OAVs. I love the manga, and the art looks true to it. Let's hope the animation is decent, as yaoi anime tend to have HORRIBLE animation. ~~but come on, who can say no to weekly pr0n?~~

Vampire Knight - Wary of this because the series is in no way finished, and there's a good chance it's going to pull a Fruits Basket and just stop or pull a Loveless and totally make up an ending that makes no sense. But I do like the manga, and hopefully it will be true to the atmosphere and not turn into a cutesy, horribly, shitty, fluffy sparkly shojo-anime like everything has been lately. Seriously, if there's no blood and violence in two episodes, I'm quitting. Same goes if chibis have more than two appearances an episode. I hate that stuff.

Okay so three series isn't bad. It's all I got last season, too, so what can I say? I just have very little faith in the latter two choices, soooo not really expecting very much.

DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS FOR ME? Either new series or completed series work. If it isn't a Spring 08 show I will wait until the summer and download it/watch it all at once, but I am taking suggestions.

1) I like serious anime with both character development AND a plot with a lot of action (most have one or the other, or neither).

2) And it has to have gorgeous art on top of it. And my fangirl-brain demands hot men too.

3) I want romance kept at a minimum or as a side-plot, because any romance-centric series is bound to have cliche characters and a shitty plot and even if it doesn't, I don't care to watch it. I hate that crap, unless it's hinted-at-leave-it-to-the-fangirls shounen-ai, because even most yaoi shows totally suck. No harem shows or magical-girl-or-girl-with-no-memories-appears-to-dorky-man either kthnx. And no girly-angsty-shit.

4) I also like shows that make you think, but most of those degenerate quickly. Even Ghost Hound is just turning into mind-fuckery that's going nowhere, despite it having mentioned Mircea Eliade a few times (epic win, I'll keep watching you because of that). Still watching Persona because it's entertaining but not getting anything out of it.

5) I already said I like serious shows (Moyashimon was pretty much the only exception ever), but I REALLY REALLY hate chibi-art and sparkley-ness and SD in an anime. Bugs the hell outta me. It's why I almost quit watching FMA but after the first few episodes they dropped it, luckily enough.

Examples of good stuff: Gundam 00, Gankutsuou, Death Note, Code Geass, Cowboy Bebop, and Fullmetal Alchemist (I think we can all admit the TB anime sucked; no character work at all). Actually, the school/weirdo/cosplay stuff in CG irritates me too, but I put up with it because I love the rest of the show. YES I AM REALLY DAMN PICKY ABOUT MY ANIME. ~~My yaoi preferences are even worse~~

I want someone to turn Angel Sanctuary into a real series. Like a 50-episode anime. Between that and Gundam 00 2, I think I could handle no more good anime coming out for the next DECADE. Like I have a choice in the matter. So...any suggestions?

And much love to everyone who listened to me scream about my Junior Project. <3 I worked on it a lot today and am feeling slightly better about it again. Of course, I'll be hysterical again in two days, but what can you do?

G00 fic = Glory. I need more Setsuna icons.

2008-04-05T09:27:35Z

Procrastination. Wrote a short ditty that could be the beginning of a Graham / Setsuna. Actually, it was intended as such, and this is just the opener to it.

Don't know when I'll get around to finishing it though, so I'll put it aside for now and hell, this is a perfectly fine stand-alone too.

PG, 655 words. THIS IS NOT A PAIRING FIC.. You have to really look for it (it won't be a yaoi fic when I finish it). It's more about two radically different kinds of soldiers suddenly coming face to face, interspersed with bizarre, random memories of their comrades and the envy they have for one another.

And I know that the bit in the middle could totally be taken sexually. Didn't mean it that way. I was actually trying to show Setsuna's blatant detachment from everything. ~~Okay, I'm really just immature and think nudity is funny.~~

Setsuna reflecting on Graham. G on S later ~~and I will not be lame and call it "To God" yea right~~.

Setsuna wasn’t surprised. He wasn’t thrilled with his situation, but he wasn’t surprised either. And he was even less shocked at the man now sitting by his cot, studying him intently. The American. The Flag Fighter with not an ounce of sense in his head, nothing but brutal fanaticism hovering on the brink of madness. He probably wasn’t a bad man, was probably bright and decent in reality, just another one of those men who entered the military at the ripe old age of eighteen and expected to change the world, and when it didn’t work after a couple of years his need to prove himself went to his head. And Setsuna had no interest in people like that. He tried to sit up.

The older man didn’t stop him, which puzzled him at first. Until he realized how badly wounded he was and he would collapse after a step or two anyhow. He slipped back down into the pillows, wincing when his shoulder connected, and felt absently for the small knife he kept in his belt. Whoever this man was had evidently realized that under the flightsuit Setsuna was naked, and he had only stripped him to his waist. Whether out of decency or out of embarrassment hardly mattered.

It was strange how his mind wandered. He didn’t particularly care for his situation one way or the other. He remembered Lockon howling with laughter when the older boy had learned of his nudity, remembered how he had answered, puzzled, with his usual “I am Gundam”, and Tieria had flown into a fit of rage about how if he were doing anything-ungodly-in-Exia, he would be found out and removed from Celestial Being. And Lockon had laughed even harder, leaning on Allelujah for support, Allelujah who looked like he was torn between laughing and running from the room in horror, while Tieria had finally muttered something about filthy pigs and stormed out. Setsuna had never discovered what was so funny, never understood what Tieria was in such a fury about because he was Exia, after all, so what was the problem even if he was doing something in Exia? But Tieria was like that, just as Lockon was always laughing and caring about him and just as Allelujah was sometimes quiet and sad and sometimes raging and psychotic. That’s just how it was. Where were they now? Would he ever see them again? He wondered if Lockon had realized yet what had happened, wondered what he was doing now. And he supposed that despite everything, even if he still had Exia, though he didn’t know if he did, he would miss Lockon.

“It’s on the table here.” The older man suddenly said, and Setsuna looked at him again, dazed.

“Your knife? You were touching your waist. Are you all right?”

The boy looked away for a moment. He wasn’t confused, no, but he was startled at the intensity he saw in the other man’s eyes. Yes, this man was mad. Not shell-shocked and bitter-mad though, not like he himself was. This man was mad from lack of combat, mad from standing and waiting for years and years for the alarm to sound, mad from finally seeing a battlefield and reeling in terror, turning away, shooting blindly, because in all his fantasies he was the hero and the untouchable. Because in all his fantasies of war he was never just another body that may or may not contain a soul, waiting to be killed in that fantastic game that wasn’t even run by God, but just run by nothingness, so it had no rhyme or reason, no greater pattern. It was all stupid, and so his dream of glory was shattered and with it his mind.

He was the sort of mad that Setsuna despised. The sort of mad that, somewhere in his mind, somewhere in a corner he had locked up long ago, he bitterly envied.

Haro came in! And Allelujah's new name.

2008-04-02T23:38:52Z

I GOT MY HARO TODAY.

I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE HELL HE IS SAYING.

I CAN'T EVEN READ THE DIRECTIONS AND IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO GET THE BATTERIES IN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AND HE KEEPS YELLING AT ME.

Mmmm more questions about Allelujah.

1) If Hallelujah was the one who was able to block Soma's brainwaves, and Hallelujah's gone now, what will happen to Alle when she comes near? Or will that whole issue somehow resolve itself now that Halle's gone?

2) Halle's gone. Alle as we know it is gone, as I explained in my earlier post. I said he'd likely come back with a new name, though I didn't know what, but now I know. ANDREI. Sergei's long-lost son who is said to be a couple of years older than Soma. I suspected Alle was his son since about halfway through season one, and when I heard he had a son (someone posted this here) that confirmed it for me. Then I heard his son was "Andrei" (on the animesuki spoilers forum) and I was unsure, as Alle has been going by Allelujah since he was a child in the institute at least, and it doesn't seem to be a code name. But if he was put up for adoption before he was old enough to ever know his name, and christened Allelujah by the institute, than he would thing it was his real name. Sergei became known as "the Wild Bear of Russia" in that war a year after Alle's birth. I'm guessing he couldn't take care of Allelujah and put him up for adoption (mother died?) or there was some sort of hostage situation and he thought his son had been killed.... Not sure what, but something like that.
Yea it is Stars-Wars-y but it actually seems like its headed in that direction....

Reading Crime and Punishment in school now. I'm seriously reading it like one big fanfic about Allelujah. It's awful. But hysterical.

Babbbbbbbbling.

2008-03-30T21:35:35Z

Now that we've all had time to think on it/get over the crazy parts and our brains not working, I'm ready for some discussion! Though I'm still crying.

This post focuses mostly on H/Allelujah, though there is some at the end about the season as a whole. It's also a crazy babble.

I gave it some time, am attempting to look at it coherently/realistically now. Twenty-four hours and a fansub later.

Major concern for me is H/Allelujah, as he is my favorite character (and the reason I freaked so much about this episode). I'm really beginning to feel that he is, while not physically dead, "dead" all the same as that person.

There's been a lot of talk about the four Meisters still being in season two, though it's been heavily implied that simply the four code names will be used. Except "Alleluha Haptism" wasn't Allelujah's code-name. Setsuna and Lockon, possibly even Tieria, were fakes, but Allelujah had had that name his whole life, as it is used in flashbacks. I myself was kind of surprised that he even had a name at the institute and not simply a number, but it wasn't just something he called himself, so it must have been authentic. (all that and why doesn't Marie recognize his number if they knew each other at all in the past?)

I found spoilers for episode 25 that turned out to be 100% correct except for one thing. They said "Goodbye to Hal and Al". Not KIA, not MIA, just "goodbye". Confused me at first. We're fairly certain that Hallelujah is gone, but it's my belief Allelujah is also gone. If and when he does show up in season two, he will not be Allelujah any longer, but going under a new name. Not only is he not the same person any longer, but his old name likely bears too many memories for him to keep it up. However he copes with the loss of Hallelujah, he's come to see himself as the opposite, the counterpart, of Halle, and now that Halle is gone, Alle has to be gone as well.

And the more I think about it, the more I wonder if Halle and Alle didn't almost fuse together. It was at least hinted at in episode 25 that Hallelujah was not so much a separate entity as he was a defense mechanism and/or a sort of dark imaginary friend (something I've been trying to figure out and have had countless discussions on since we first met Halle). Allelujah created him to cope with the darkness he had in his own heart. He foisted all his fear and cruelty and hatred onto another self in his childhood and it stuck with him, the two selves growing more and more distinct as he tried to separate himself from what he feared he was. When the scientists realized this, realized he was suddenly two violently different people as opposed to one mediocre yet stabilized one, they disposed of him. He probably would not have gone on a murderous rampage were it not for Hallelujah, because he would not have been able to distance himself enough from his conscience to do so otherwise. Halle became all of man's darkest desires with nothing to stop him, while Allelujah became so paralyzed he couldn't even act without allowing Halle to take over. He's completely mad. There's no doubt in my mind that Allelujah IS insane (and therefore I can't see him as a cruel mass murderer), but his insanity might not actually have been Hallelujah. It might have been himself. When Allelujah begs Halle to let him know why there is fighting, Halle laughs and asks if he's finally ready for that before smoothing his hair back, as if this was something Halle was pushing Allelujah to do all along. I don't know if he exactly expected to die, but he seemed to know that something was changing and his time was running out.

In their last battle, they fight together, and suddenly H/Allelujah becomes the best Gundam pilot there is. He was fighting against two other GN-driven suits with only half a suit himself and he almost defeated them, likely would have had he not gotten distracted. And I'm beginning to think THAT is the true Allelujah, the Allelujah that his conscience told him was not right to be, and the Allelujah he's kept locked away because it so terrified him. Now that he has a reason to fight, now that he's finally asked Hallelujah to show him what it is to fight, he's become himself again. He's no longer divided.

Hallelujah, being the one not-in-denial, recognized this and was able to leave him. I don't think he left and/or died because Allelujah had the right side of his face damaged. He left because he wasn't need anymore as a separate being. He says he is going on ahead, and then Alle is left alone. But is it even Alle any longer? The reason he's a Super-Soldier is NOT because of Hallelujah, as has been confirmed. Instead, it may be what H/Alle was referring to in that last battle, the instinct combined with the intelligence, the combination of both Halle and Alle fighting as one being. He IS the perfect Super Soldier, but because he wouldn't handle being one, as a defense mechanism he split himself in two (being mentally unstable to begin with on top of being forced into a horrible situation) and only now is he really finding himself again. Hallelujah, as a necessary defense mechanism and a separation from his true self, is no longer needed, as Allelujah can now accept himself. But if this truly happens, then Allelujah as the opposite of Halle must too disappear, and an all-new person, a fusion, must come out.

Clearly, he will feel the loss of Halle, but he also may feel the loss of Alle. The life he's lived for the last ten years has been thrown out the window, and suddenly he must cope with an entirely new "self". I seriously doubt when he comes back in season two he will be the same Allelujah. He won't quite be the psychotic warrior he was in episode 25, but I think he will be a more perfect, toned-down fusion of both Alle and Halle. It will probably take him years to get used to this, so the four-years-time-skip is also convenient in his case. But I think (hope) that by the time season two comes around, he has come to terms with his being a ~~lovechild~~ union of the two. Granted Hallelujah says he'll be leaving before him, but I somehow can't imagine that Allelujah will completely return to being Allelujah alone after this incident.

All that said, I feel a bit better about everything. I felt before that they had simply ripped away half of him, and that completely devastated me. Although Alle seems to take it that way from what we last see of him, so I can't really be sure if I'm making things up to feel better or not. But if they just rip Halle away from him, growth or no, I can't deal with that. I know that Hallelujah needed to "die" so that Allelujah could fully mature as a person and accept who he is, and I was fully anticipating this for at least a week now, but it still traumatized me (especially considering how distraught Alle was; he was actually crying, and I am not getting over that anytime soon). Because that IS a very trauamtic experience, and I'd be surprised if Alle came out of it fine. And right now I'm just going to hope that Halle and Alle do become one and learn to live as such, still go batshit crazy every now and then and still have massive mood swings, at the very least. I don't think I could stand to see him melancholic and fragile and alone permanently. But I guess I'll have to wait until October to see if that's really the case.

All that and his very NAME is similar to baptism. He's hopefully going to come back renewed and much stronger, and be the one to carry the rebirth through to the end. ~~I think he and possibly Setsuna will survive season two; that's it.~~

As for the Marie/Soma thing, I'm still holding out hope that they will not end up having a romantic relationship. This show is supposed to be (and has been fairly so far) realistic and suddenly pairing everyone up at the end would just break from that completely. I think it's clear that in this world, love can't conquer all. ~~I was also shocked at the way Sergei was looking at Soma when he was on the stretcher. I saw them as father/daughter but now I don't even know~~. If anything, I can see them having a reconciliation of sorts, even one dying in the others' arms, and being able to see one another as brother and sister, but nothing more than that. Yes, she is someone important in his past, but that doesn't change the fact that they have tried to kill one another countless times, that they've tried to kill one another's loved ones, and that Allelujah blew her childhood and her "home" to pieces. He was supposed to protect her (for someone else?), but after everything, I can't see them falling in love.

So just wondering what the other H/Allelujah fans think about Hallelujah leaving. Is Allelujah JUST Alle now or is he the two of them, ready to come back with a new name? ~~I have a feeling he'll have the same haircut, as that eye is gone now~~. I'm just going to be absolutely devastated if he comes back depressed and screwed-up and lonely. I want him to still have a part of Halle with him, want him to be both now.

H/Allelujah issue aside, I guess I'm fairly satisfied with the way the season ended. We knew it would end in total chaos, and it did. We knew Graham would propose to Setsuna, and he did. What surprised me the most I think was that Alejandro was SURPRISED that Livonze had betrayed him, which almost makes me feel bad for the crazy bastard. Makes me wonder if he did just adopt him for publicity/Veda/boyslaving or if he did genuinely care about him. I almost think it's the latter, because he was fairly well-thout-out and suspicious of everyone around him, and the only way he would let that suspicion slide around Livonze was if he cared about him. LIVONZE YOU EVIL BOYSLAVE, taking on the role of pimp for next season.

The ending was done very well. Setsuna's letter = epic. I have come to wildly love Setsuna the last few episodes. Tieria's love for Lockon went canon with his last words, which made me tear up. Allelujah and Hallelujah having a deeper relationship than just having to deal with one another went caon in THEIR last words, which made me openly bawl my eyes out. Setsuna's letter was beautiful and now that I know what he's actually saying, I feel better about the season as a whole. And if I ignore my personal angst over the ending, I can say that this season was done very, very well. It is depicting exactly what it intended to. I loved it, loved the whole season, though I am very wary of season two. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. I don't even know how I feel yet.

I almost feel like the season itself could be a complete series, now that I've seen the fansubbed version. The heroes have this great plan and go through so much to accomplish it, all get killed in the end, some good does come out of it, but there will always be people like Livonze who want to take advantage of that good, and people like Wang Li Mei who just can't accept the world as it is and still want to change it. And I almost like the ending better that way, though I guess I'll have to hold my judgment through season 2. But adding a second season, bringing characters back from the presumed dead, and starting everything over again....I almost wish it was just over now. I still say season two looks very unappealing. Making a Tieria!clone seems cheap, as it hasn't been alluded to at all. If Lyle shows up, we'll know who he is, but Regene? Yea evidently Livonze has a clone too according to the preview; they all do, but I kind of wish they had hinted at that/slipped it in somewhere in season one. I'm guessing there WILL be all new Meisters, and the surviving three from season one will come in and possibly go up against CB, seeing as the entire thing seems to be controlled by Livonze after all.

Still think Tieria's doomed next season. Heroic death by Livonze. I can really see Allelujah being the last one alive in the end. But if all three Meisters ARE dead, which I doubt, I probably won't bother with the next season. As I said, I feel like this season could have stood alone.

fic it away.

2008-03-29T22:01:30Z

Fic it all away. SPOILERS UNDER CUT.

Allelujah and Tieria post-episode-25. References to HxA, LxA, LxT, TxA I guess, if you look.

Madness. Angst. Pika's fucking depressed as hell. Optional "happy ending" coda.

Sequel to "Protect Me".

A/N – Written after seeing the raw of episode 25. Which completely and utterly devastated me. I had a bad feeling they would do that to Allelujah, but it still shocked me. Can’t deal with it. Hallelujah. ;_;
And don’t give me crap about how the Tieria-lookalike with Lockon-hair might not be Tieria. I’ve heard the rumors. This is how I chose to interpret it.
The “Coda” is optional. Don’t read it if you don’t want to. I just NEEDED an optimistic ending, though I don’t believe it will happen.
Vague sequel to “Protect Me”.

Forever
By PikaCheeka

His hands were bandaged when I went to see him. Not because they were injured, but because he had ripped the right side of his face open for the third time in two days and they didn’t know what to do with him anymore. He lay there quietly now, not only bandaged heavily but restrained, strapped down to the bed, staring out the window blankly. Staring at my reflection.

“Lockon.”

“No, Allelujah.” I touch his shoulder but he seems unaware. He keeps staring at my reflection. I know what he sees and I immediately regret my haircut. It was too cruel. I should have waited until he had recovered, at least. Until we all recovered.

“Lockon and Hallelujah.”

“Alle, look at me.”

“They’re all gone. I’m alone now.” He cracked a smile then, his lone eye shining with tears. “He said he’d never leave me. He said I was stuck with him, even if I hated him. I didn’t hate him, though, not in the end.”

I glanced around the room to be sure nobody was around and sat on the bed beside him, gently touching the left side of his face and tilting his head towards mine. “I’m right here, Alle.”

“Lockon…have you seen Hallelujah?”

“Tieria. I’m Tieria.” I touched his face again and pointed to my glasses, not knowing if it was getting through to him at all. “Do you remember me? It’s just us now.” I was your partner, damnit. I know I was an ass to you but it was because I cared about you. Don’t you dare forget me. I will never forgive you. Don’t you leave me like the rest of them.

He jerked his head to the side, not away but closer, pushing his cheek into my hand. “I miss him. I was supposed to protect him. He always protected me. I…can’t find him.”

“It’s okay, Alle. He’s still with you. He’s a part of you, he always was.” I stroked his cheek, unsure of what to say. He wouldn’t believe it, couldn’t. Whether he was utterly mad and had made everything up, or if Hallelujah really had existed, nobody could ever know. But he was real to him, real enough for him to fight with him, real enough for him to fall in love. I had heard enough of their arguments over the years to know.

“He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to. I didn’t listen. I killed him. Killed them all.” He was crying again, but he was crying in such an exhausted, empty manner it seemed unreal. “Killed myself.”

I didn’t answer for a long time. It was a miracle he survived at all, but after three days in the hospital he had calmly gotten up and wandered the halls until he found a scalpel. Ripped his chest open. He was found sitting on the floor laughing, peeling the skin off, digging his fingers into his own flesh, asking repeatedly where his heart went, where his Hallelujah went. He couldn’t kill himself because he believed himself to be already dead.

That was a week ago. He had been moved to emergency ward, only to try to claw his face open. And now he had been reduced to this. Setsuna was still missing in action. Nobody else had contacted me. We were presumed dead. There was nothing left for us. Nothing but the two of us. A madman and an android, neither of us capable of comforting the other.

I knew I shouldn’t touch him, knew he was seriously injured, but I had to. I slipped my arm around his shoulders and pulled him close, as carefully and gently as I was able, unlocking one arm restraint as I did. He immediately jerked his hand up and touched my chest. “Ti…eria.”

“Yes. Tieria. And Allelujah.” I heard my voice crack as I said it, but I hardly cared. I just wanted him back. I wanted Allelujah back. And hearing my name on his lips after nearly two weeks was almost too much to bear. A recognition that I was alive, that he was alive, that we were not two ghosts of the dead just hovering in this world.

“He said he’d protect me, said he’d be there…forever. He didn’t protect me against this. And this…” he trailed off, too confused to go on, his eye searching mine. He was still beautiful, still with that distracted and fragile look, but it was hollow now. No longer so much secretive as it was simply empty. And the longer I looked at him the more I wanted to believe what I thought I saw was real. A ring of gold surrounding his pupil, between the grey and the black. But I couldn’t be sure. I didn’t dare say a word, lest I be lying, lest I drive him over the brink into complete madness, if he were not already there.

I remembered all the times I had hit him, insulted him, called him unworthy, even tried to shoot him. We were the first two Meisters, the first two and the last two. He had driven me wild with rage, but I could not stand the thought of anyone else ever touching him, ever being cruel to him. I had been jealous of Hallelujah. But now he was gone. And now that he was gone, Allelujah was slipping away just as quickly. I knew if I didn’t get across to him soon, he would fade, nothing but a catatonic corpse on a hospital bed until they gave up and pulled the plug and he finally died. It was all he wanted, after all.

I touched his face again, squeezing his shoulder and leaning over him. He seemed so small, though he was taller and older than I was. “Allelujah. They’re not here anymore. Lockon and Hallelujah. They’re dead.”

His eye widened for a second, then flickered shut, his lashes wet with tears. “No.”

Anything was better than his confused hallucinations. “They’re dead. And you can search for them all you want and keep ripping your body apart but you will not find them. You can give up and die or you can live for them. Hallelujah died protecting you. He’d kill you all over again if you let yourself just die without him.”

Please, please listen. Because I can never say what I feel, can never admit that I am wanting you to live for my own selfish reasons. I can protect you as long as you protect me. I can’t promise it. Lockon promised, Hallelujah promised, and everything breaks in the end. So I will not promise you, will never say the words lest they fail and break you further. But I will promise myself that I shall protect you forever.

: Coda :

“Tieria, you were always a bitchy ass,” he muttered after a long moment, resting his head on my shoulder and sighing.

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t, not when I was so surprised. Because those words were not Allelujah’s. I only had to wonder how long it would take him to realize. Realize what Hallelujah had said to him. Realize what forever meant.

pikacheeka @ 2008-03-29T14:41:00

2008-03-29T18:38:53Z

wtf. I just looked at spoilers. Can't even get a raw. And I don't even care now.

Season 2 preview doesn't look remotely appealing.

There goes my OTP.

Setsunafic.

2008-03-29T06:42:56Z

I don't even know what this is. Written in ten minutes.

Setsuna POV, sometime during episode 24, possibly right before 25.

approx. 650 words. PG for sacrilege, weirdness, very mild Lockon x Setsuna.

Live for You
by PikaCheeka

They all think they are God. There is no God.

He lived for revenge and he died for revenge and now I must carry on the vengeance. But it is my duty to live, to live on for him and show the world. Live for it. Live through it. Live because of it. Live in spite of it. It’s all the same now.

Celestial Being. God. We are not God. There is no God.

Ev. Er. Y. Thing. Lies. Because with no God there is no truth. And what are we fighting for anyway but ourselves. That was all it meant in the end, revenge and suffering and hate and ourselves, ourselves and the memories of those who died before us. Lockon. That is all there is in the end for me. Lockon. But I am different from the rest of them because I am not like them. They all think they are God.

There is no God in this world. Nor in the other.

I do not think like them. Because I am Gundam. They all think they are God and because of that they will fall. He was not wrong. He said they would pay. But he will pay too. And if he is not dead he will die by my hands. But I will not throw anything away, because if I do so then he will win, and I can not ever give up until he is dead and gone and gone more than you are because nobody is there to remember or care for him. Are you gone? Are you lonely where you are now? You could not play God and get off alive and whenever someone reaches for divinity they are burned and that is what happened to you and your justice and judgment that only masked your hate and loneliness and why did you not tell. I would have stopped you.

I would have told you. There is no God.

There is only me and everything I can hold onto and that is all I need to ever know because that is all I can ever protect, what I can hold onto. I may have lost you but you turned away, you forgot. You cared more for revenge than for life and you ceased to be me and tried to be God. That is what happens. I can reach for you forever but you are gone now. Dust. The first human I ever smiled at. The first human who saw me for what I was and understood and did not laugh and scoff like everyone else. Are you lonely are you lonely are you lonely. Why did that girl have to say it, why did she have to say I was lonely. I am not so because I cannot be, but still I am here, desperate to live for you and avenge you and that is not right. I do not feel a thing. I cannot feel a thing. I am Gundam, and Gundam does not feel or hurt or think stupid thoughts like I Am God Because I Am Man.

Celestial Being is no God. We are not doing the work of God.

Because if he did exist he would not have done what you did and he would not have gone out in hatred and vengeance alone and he would not have died because of it. He would not have died. We are not God there is no God and when we try to be so we die because in dying only then can we be what is not and never was and you can never be what never was. Lockon. Stratos.

Are you lonely? I am lonely. There is no God.

Every God I have ever known was a lie. Why should this be any different? Celestial Being.

God left us to die. And I will live for, through, because of, in spite of.

...

2008-03-29T06:02:32Z

OH MY GOD GUYS IT AIRS IN TWO HOURS AND TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES. ~~in Japan~~.

GUNDAM 00, WHY HAVE YOU EATEN MY BRAIN? I NEED IT.

I feel like it's Christmas, but I might end up with either presents or the corpse of a friend of mine.

~~Pika is having obsession problems~~

fucking ribbons. XD

2008-03-28T05:26:18Z

Mmm it's official. Gundam 00 isn't just about realism and war and human nature, it's about how adults like to screw up childrens' lives. Four Meisters = being used by CB. Livonze = bring used by Alejandro. So that "I hate adults" line way back when was important.

Alejandro x Livonze or Ribbons or Libbons or whateverhisnameis. I am calling him Livonze until I definitely know otherwise. Because I can not call that poor kid Ribbons.
PG13, Mild abuse, language, no sex though.

We might as well call this an Isaak x Dietrich fic. I'm confusing them in my head I think.

Spoilers through episode 23 mainly, and some spoilers/rumors on season 1 as a whole.

A/N - Wrote this before the new information about Livonze came out, so some of it may be inaccurate now, but I figured I might as well type it up and post anyway, as their relationship is still rather vague. I’m convinced Livonze fell out of the scene because he’s going to betray Alejandro horribly, get him killed. New spoilers came out today about how Livonze was piloting the 0 Gundam in episode 1 (big surprise) and he basically wants to blow up the world because he hates everything. He was another weird experiment like Tieria (and Alle technically) and he feels like he was forced into existence by a bunch of assholes who just want to use him for his power, so he goes crazy. I TOTALLY CALLED THAT. But when the spoilers came out I felt behind the times and figured I better post this.

Yes, there is a second A x L called Sodom. I started another one entirely about Livonze hating adults a few weeks ago. Need to finish it though before I can post it, and it takes place after this one anyway. Both take place between episode 23 and 24.

Gemorrah
By PikaCheeka

His thin body is trembling in my arms., though I myself had made no effort to bring him to me. He had pushed himself on me, shaking and acting nervous, while his face was as masklike as ever. “I made a mistake, Master.”

“You could not have known what Schenberg had in his back-up plans.” I touch his head delicately, ever aware of how small and fragile he is physically, ever aware of how contrary to his nature his body is. This has to be an act.

“I should have suspected,” he nuzzles his face against my chest and I can smell him, smell how clean and young he is, the scent of his cologne barely masking that other scent that is his inhumanity, as every gene in his DNA has been perfected, as he was created in a test tube and fed on a computer. A flesh-and-blood cyborg with a fully functional human brain, a brain that can make mistakes just as much as my own can. Sometimes I can smell it on him, and I can never decide if it’s exciting or disgusting, though I learned long ago that he is averse to ever discussing what he is. He was still unused to human contact when he was given to me, and he has been so perfectly trained under my touch that he will react violently against anyone else.

“Livonze,” I shift my weight to better hold him in my lap. It isn’t that he is heavy, but he has long, straight, perfect legs. No ungodly curves, no hard muscles under his smooth skin, as if he and his siblings were indirectly created for a purpose other than technological warfare. “We’ll find a way. We just have to rethink matters.” I want to say more but his lips are ghosting my throat now. So that is all he wants. I catch his chin and lift his face to mine. “My mouth is here.”

He obliges, pushing his tongue against my lips even before he is kissing me, it being the most violent and persistent part of his body. I duck my hands under his layers of clothing, seeking skin, though were it not for his heat I could have mistaken it for the silky material of his shirt, and the moment I find it he groans against my mouth. “Ale…” he catches himself. “Master,” he whimpers, his body trembling anew, no longer with fear but with lust. “Can you…?”

“Can I what?” The way he says it always pushes me over the edge.

He lowers his eyelids, barely even looking at me now, already grinding his hips against me as he says it. “Fuck me. Make me pant and scream under you.”

It is all an act and if he thinks I am falling for it he is a fool, but I won’t say no to him either. I can’t, not with him in such a shape, already in my lap, begging and touching. Normally it takes some bit of persuasion to get him into my bed, but he knows he made me angry when he failed. “Good boy,” I comment, pushing my thumb into his mouth and forcing his chin up further. “So submissive.”

He says nothing, but I can tell from his body language he isn’t half as excited as he pretends to be.

“You did something wrong,” I whisper.

His eyes open, flashing, then narrow, but he is not fast enough for me. “I failed you.”

“No, love, you did something wrong, something behind my back. You’re whoring yourself out because you’re afraid I’ll find out.” I want to laugh at the horror he can not conceal quickly enough in his eyes, his eyes which show far too much.

“Master, I don’t-“

“You’re too young to be as good a liar as I am yet. Things didn’t go as planned because I went along with you.” I shift my weight slowly as I speak, but he does not seem to notice, and when I roll forward and knock him to the floor, he cries out in surprise.

He is too small to fight me off, and he can only lie beneath me, panting and trembling, “Why are you so convinced I am going to betray you?” He sounds hurt, which catches me off guard.

“Because you’re an angel,” I touch his face and he flinches. Frightened as he is, he can not even reply, and I slowly twine my fingers through his soft, short hair, waiting until he starts to relax before tightening my grip on him and slamming him back onto the floor. He breathes in sharply and his eyes flash again. “And I don’t believe in angels.”

G00 predictions.

2008-03-27T00:29:50Z

Spoilers through episode 24 behind cuts.

See you, Space Cowboy, for real this time.

I wasn't expecting him to come back, and I might have even been a bit annoyed if he did come back. His death scene was too well thought-out and final, with the flashbacks of his life and the REAL Lockon suddenly showing himself and his final words about hating the world. It was gorgeous and the way his death affected the rest of the characters was very...uhm...crucial? to development. To suddenly have him come back would undo all of that and make it all meaningless. He HAD to die.

I wasn't one of those people who was convinced he would come back, or in denial or anything. I pretty much figured he was gone, didn't want to get my hopes up, but it still hurts to see him "officially" dead.

Anyway, predictions for episode 25 and season 2.

Episode 25 Predictions

1) Patrick's alive. But that was an official announcement anyway.

2) Ali's alive, but we may not find this out until season 2? I bet we'll find out in episode 25, just to totally twist the knife in Setsuna's wound a little more.

3) Nadleeh's been confirmed to be out of fighting commission. Unfortunately, Kyrios hasn't. Which means Allelujah is going to try and fight in that thing despite it being completely mutilated and probably not very safe. I seriously doubt they'd kill another Meister this soon, but I'm really.....scared....for him now. Besides, there were a lot of rumors WAY back when about Allelujah being the one to die in season one. Those same rumors said nothing about Lockon, so I doubt they're very reliable, but still freaked out.

4) Feldt tries to fly Dynamos.

5) Alejandro dies. His ship malfunctions last second, leaving him open to an attack from Setsuna, who kills him. Why does it malfunction? Because Livonze screwed around with it and is sitting in a hotel somewhere smiling to himself.

~~6) Is it possible that Ali dies as well in this season??? At this rate I wouldn't be surprised if Ali came in and killed Alejandro because he wanted to kill Setsuna himself.~~

Rumor:
There were a lot of rumors going around about Allelujah over a month ago about his brain getting fried by Soma and suffering brain damage and/or going catatonic. So now I'm terrified that he'll survive, but lose Hallelujah, and then he'll really be alone. Has anyone heard any such rumors RECENTLY? Again, these same rumors said nothing about Lockon, and said none of them would die in season 1, so it doesn't necessarily mean anything. But the fact that he's still able to enter combat for episode 25 has me really scared.

My prediction is that Hallelujah is going to take over for a while, at least a half a dozen episodes next season, because Allelujah won't be able to handle everything and he sort of recedes/gives up a while. But if they kill off Hallelujah/damage Alle's brain in such a way Halle is gone, I might friggin' quit. Because you can't do that to the poor guy. He's only just started to get along with Halle, and Halle is ALL HE HAS, and holy shit just no. I'd rather see them both die than have Halle disappear. ;_; ~~Though Halle saying "I don't want to die yet" in episode 24 has me scared even more for him. Can you imagine Alle without him? He'd kill himself.~~

Season 2:

1) Will take place a year or two in the future, most likely. Those Gundams need MASSIVE body work done and the ship was destroyed. I don't think they will have all new suits for next season either, as even Dynamos was salvaged from the wreckage.

2) Feldt will be the fourth Meister. Much more probably than either Nena or Lyle. And with every character death she becomes more and more important. In the last two episodes the boy she loved and her best friend died.

3) Saji enlists in military. Japan is technically in the Union, so he'll be Graham's new ~~Howard Mason~~ flight partner.

4) Lyle joins the CB crew, but not as a Meister. I actually have a feeling he's going to turn out to be a huge jerk, but not sure why I think that.

5) ~~Allelujah finds out he's pregnant with Lockon's child~~

6) Allelujah's going to completely lose it, I think. Both he and Tieria have grown decisively violent after Lockon's death, but I don't think Alle's going to come down from it that easily. We know he has that cruelty lurking in him. I wouldn't be surprised if he went permanently Hallelujah for a long while.

7) Tieria wants to resign because he is "unfit", but decides to fight on for Lockon's sake, probably after Sumeragi smacks him again.

8) Setsuna has a huge bang-out battle with Ali at some point, maybe halfway through series (as I can't imagine he'll be the final boss character) and kills him. But not before Ali kills off someone else very important, probably Graham.

9) Sergei dies. Soma lives out rest of her life as a normal girl, as in his dying moments he begged her to leave the military and live the life she never had.

10) Either Patrick of Kati will die. No happy endings for you!

11) Saji and Louise will end up together again, possibly the only two who end up happy.

12) We find out CB has been screwing with everybody. Aeolia was doing everything for himself. Everybody was just a pawn and while they believed in what they were fighting for, those giving out the orders were just laughing at them. Oh, wait, we figured that out in season 1. Well, it will be bashed into our faces all over again.

13) Wang Liu Mei dies a horrible, fiery death. I HOPE BY ALI, who pulls up beside her on the road and offers her some candy.

14) ~~Setsuna learns the joys of playing Dance Dance Revolution while in Exia~~

15) Tieria dies. Likely by Livonze. I was figuring on Allelujah dying but the more I think about it, the more likely it seems it will be Tieria. They wouldn't have the two nicer and older guys die in combat (if Alle survives episode 25, he'll survive season 2). But Tieria MIGHT have a heroic death, the death Lockon never had, because he has only just learned to love and be human. I can really see him sacrificing himself to save someone else next season.

16) Livonze as final boss character, though Ali wouldn't shock me. Hell, Saji wouldn't even shock me. Don't know what will happen in that last battle though.

: END CODA :

1) Allelujah either kills himself or turns himself in.

2) World goes back to exactly the way it was.

3) Ends with Setsuna in war-torn city. Just as it began.

May be updating this after episode 25.

Crisis Core haunts my daydreams.

2008-03-26T00:43:34Z

FFVII : Crisis Core came out today and my brother bought it. WHY DO YOU TEMPT ME SO!????

My friend actually took my PSP AWAY from me and won't give it back until I present my JP because he knew I would get crazy-obsessed with the game and not do any work and fail my junior project.

But now the game is there. SITTING IN THE ROOM DOWN THE HALL TAUNTING ME. And it looks really good too, and long. Not like that crap FFXII : Revenant Wings that just failed on every level. I can't wait to play this. So excited.

Six more weeks. ;_;

~~If I ever cosplay I may end up as Aerith, like I considered years ago, because now with this game there is some damn detailed art on her clothing and I can actually make an authentic costume.~~

Oh yea, guys, I told you the cockroach wasn't dead.

Lock-Hal drabbles.

2008-03-25T01:25:48Z

Being lazy so I'm posting this exactly as I posted it in the Gundam 00 fic community. I probably completely massacred everyone's idea of sweet, loving, brotherly Lockon. But I think if you're going to ship Lockon x Allelujah or Lockon x Hallelujah you have to realize there's something very disturbing about it, ~~seeing as no matter how you look at it, Lockon is either double-crossing them or raping one of them~~. Yea, right, Pika, you're just really damn weird. OKAY SO I JUST MADE THE CHARACTERS EVEN MORE CRAZY THAN THEY ALREADY WERE.

Love this pairing/quartet-o-pairings. The first one was actually going to be a longer fic, but it ended up being 100 words and features a softer side of Hallelujah. Second one is a bit longer, 521 words, and shows a darker side of Lockon. It actually focuses on something that's really been troubling me with this pair, much as I love them.

Title: To Hold Allelujah
Author: PikaCheeka
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: None
Characters/Pairings: Lockon, Hallelujah, LxH, LxA, HxA
Summary: Halle asks Lockon a question that shocks him.

To Hold Allelujah
by PikaCheeka

“What’s it like?”

Lockon stirred but didn’t open his eyes, “Hn?”

“To hold him, to hold Allelujah.”

Now he was looking at his bedmate in surprise; the gold eyes burned into his in a way he had never expected. He had expected anger, jealousy. Not this. There was pain there, and suddenly Lockon had to wonder just what it was like to love someone you could never hold or love because you shared his body. How their closeness separated them. “Hallelujah…”

He did not blink. “I just want to know. I just want…” and he trailed off, biting his lip.

Title: Taking Advantage
Author: PikaCheeka
Rating: T
Warnings/Spoilers: No spoilers, but dark!Lockon, possible rape
Characters/Pairings: Lockon, Hallelujah, Allelujah, LxH, LxA, HxA
Summary: Lockon speculates on the consequences of sleeping with the alternate personality of his friend. Sometimes he worried that he’s taking advantage of a crazy person, and other times Allelujah’s madness turns him on so completely he doesn’t care.

Taking Advantage
By PikaCheeka

Sometimes he worried that he’s taking advantage of a crazy person, and other times Allelujah’s madness turns him on so completely he doesn’t care. Even though they share a body, he feels he’s only slept with one of them. Allelujah is virgin to him and they never advanced past touches, as the younger boy is shy and nervous, as fragile and distant as Hallelujah is forward and aggressive. Yes, Allelujah is a virgin, Lockon tries to convince himself. He isn’t raping anyone. Because Hallelujah is moaning in ecstasy and thrashing beneath him, and Hallelujah is in control now so he can’t be hurting the other one, the virgin one. He’s just having angry, frustrated sex with Hallelujah because they both like it that way and the boy he really loves won’t sleep with him. It doesn’t matter that Hallelujah and Allelujah share the same body, doesn’t matter that he sometimes wonders if he’s raping Allelujah somehow, if he’s screaming somewhere.

Because he’s not.

He’s not taking advantage of anyone.

And just because he fantasizes about fucking Allelujah blind, usually violently, it doesn’t mean he’s doing it. Just because he’s pounding into the body that is technically his, he isn’t doing it. Not really. He’s fucking Hallelujah instead, and he knows Hallelujah likes it. Hallelujah once told him he likes it well enough, but he does it for Allelujah, does it because he is giving him what he wants but is too dumb to ask for or even know he wants. And when he said this Lockon asked what he meant, and Hallelujah only told him to figure it out himself, dumbass, and it was only then that Lockon fully realized just how much Allelujah knew. He had never thought much about it before. They only ever do it when Hallelujah’s in control, so Lockon tells himself with every thrust that he isn’t betraying Allelujah trust in him. How many nights had he lain holding the other boy in his arms, unviolated and safe? He could have taken advantage of him so many times by now, but he hasn’t.

If Allelujah really cared about what he did to Hallelujah, or even knew what was going on, he never spoke of it. Maybe he’s just too scared and confused to talk, maybe he just craves love so badly he doesn’t dare disturb what he has, maybe he just wants acceptance and won’t confront Lockon. And Lockon knows these are not even maybes. He knows Allelujah well enough to know they are all true, but he pretends it isn’t. He pretends Allelujah doesn’t even know what they do, though that is impossible, as it is his body that is bruised in the morning, his body that aches and hurts and leaks in the morning, and it is his mind that Hallelujah lives in, whispering gleefully of all that happened the night before. And he’s seen the look in Allelujah’s eyes sometimes. And he knows the younger boy is afraid to sleep with him for exactly this reason.

Yes, Lockon is taking advantage of a crazy person.

But he doesn’t care. It turns him on.

episode 24

2008-03-23T01:44:24Z

Will post about convention later. It was fantastically disappointing.

Watched episode 24 in raw. Granted I didn't know half of what was going on....spoilers, obviously.

Two things I feel need to be addressed:
1) Alejandro.
2) Haro.

WHERE THE HELL DID ALEJANDRO GET THE GODMODEY-MACHINE???? That totally came out of nowhere. I was NOT expecting that.

What I had predicted : Ali Al-Sarshaas was alive. He was going to be the main bad guy for season 1 (so that Setsuna, the protagonist, can finally move beyond his past and grow as a character in season 2) and there would be a great fantastic battle against him in the last episode. WRONG. Because Ali has just vanished. He isn't in the cast listing for episode 25.

Nor is Livonze. Alejandro just came out of nowhere and has this ridiculous undefeatable ship and ditched his slaveboy, who he was always with, somewhere (though his queer green pocket-watch chain on his spacesuit must have been a gift from him). And he teamed up with Sergei and Kathy? Excuse me when did that happen? I would guess maybe 12 hours passed between episode 23 and episode 24 in show-time, so where and how did all this stuff happen? Now maybe with subtitles I'll know what the hell happened, but right now I am massively confused.

As for the bloodbath, I'm feeling lazy and I'll cut/paste what I said on the G00 community in some thread:

"A lot of this series does involve death and what war does to people who both were and weren't involved in it (the whole Saji/Louise/Kinue arc), so it makes sense that C&L only had their backstories told when they were already doomed. They were in the background, important to flying the ship but really...not that good at it, but they were normal, everyday people (Lichty, cyborg or no, was very average) and people like that tend to not get attention, both in war anime and in the real world. But when they suddenly DIE, people look at their lives and realize just who and what they were. It may seem like a cheap tactic but it really...isn't? All the characters die stupid, futile deaths because it IS futile. Kinue, Johann, and Lichty all die extravagant, but ultimately pointless deaths (possibly Lockon died pointlessly as well, unless Ali is dead? But I seriously doubt it).

This series IS meant to be more realistic than most, I think, and being heart-wrenching and cruel just comes along with that. In that director-interview floating around, we are led to believe that season 2 is largely about rebirth and rebuilding, learning to live with what you've done. I certainly don't think the war is OVER. by any means (come on, we have to see Saji go crazy and Livonze go evil), but coming at it from a new angle is, again, very realistic.

To be honest, I'd be pissed if we got to the end of season 1 without a single "good guy" dying. This isn't just another war anime where the baddies get killed and the good guys survive and everyone's happy in the end. We're reminded again and again of how futile, stupid, and pointless CB's actions are, as fighting war with war does nothing. If in the end, the fight CB/the good guys fought made the world great and wonderful, it only proves that something good CAN come out of war. But it can't. This series was doomed to have a miserable ending from the outset just from what it is about. Yes, I admit I was raging pissed and upset about Lockon, but honestly, should we have accepted anything more than this bloodbath?"

War accomplishes nothing, no matter what it's for. And now that message is finally getting across, if it hadn't already with the Saji arc. CB is trying to end war with war. Everyone right from the start has been going WTF!!! at them. Even (I would assume) most of the viewers, until they got to know and love the characters and began to believe the same ideals as them. And while they have a beautiful vision, they're going about it the wrong way. If they DID win and save the world and make it a better place, it would only be proving that war can do something. It's only now at the end of season one that we're fully seeing how ridiculous their whole plan was.

There's a lot of people raving about how they're just trying to mess with our emotions and they have no plot ideas anymore, but I don't think so. I did for a while, but not after this episode. (quoting again from something I said in a comment) Now "if Lasse had died, I feel that would have been more nasty-audience-manipulation than if the other two did, because they started making him show up just enough for us to notice him and like him, only to kill him. I figured that's what they would do for a while, as I too felt they were just screwing with us after episode 23."

Yes, I'm confused about Alejandro, but I think we're supposed to be. The protagonists, and CB as a whole, are living in an absurd and impossible ideal, one so absurd they're hardly living in the same reality as the rest of the world. Lockon's death BROKE their illusion, as his dying act was of vengeance and hatred, not idealism and love as he pretended to live most of his life. He died hating, and his death shattered the reality of the other members of CB. Now the rest of the world can fully move in on them, and it makes no sense to them (or us) because they (and we too) have been so wrapped up in their ideal.

PS - WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK PATRICK IS DEAD? I AM NOT PICKING UP ON THAT AT ALL. Yea his suit got blown up. So did Tieria's. Yea they played sad music. They did for Tieria too. And we know that Tieria's okay. I think Patrick, as a character way back from episode 1 and one with a fairly large role, would have received a more prolonged death scene than that. So unless Kathy is all miserable next episode, I am not going to believe it. It isn't denial or anything. I just REALLY don't think he died. I feel like we would have at least gotten something like him floating around, dying, and whimpering about how he never got to kiss Kathy. But we didn't. If the annoying guy doesn't get one last annoying line, he isn't dead. ~~He's going to move next door to Saji and really drive him over the edge in the next season~~.

PPS -And most importantly, Haro. My biggest concern right now is Haro. Is anyone else worried about him? Is he just...gone? (or did Sumeragi and Ian take Dynamos when they left the ship? I feel like they should have, but I couldn't understand enough to know)

Edit * Is anyone else actually grateful that they didn't spend the entire episode as a tribute to Lockon? I wouldn't have been able to handle that. The first third or so was bad enough.

Interesting thread on G00 community.

hay look guyz. TRINITY BLOOD DRABBLES.

2008-03-20T09:40:00Z

...somewhere Sunao Yoshida is turning in his grave because he thought he was finally free from that weird girl who writes Isaak x Dietrich pr0n incessantly.

I snagged this meme from a_songfor_xx a million years ago and never did anything with it until just now, when I had a little while to kill while I uploaded stuff.

1. Pick a character, pairing, or fandom you like. 
2. Turn on your music player and put it on random/shuffle. 
3. Write a drabble related to each song that plays. You only have the time frame of the song to finish the drabble; you start when the song starts, and stop when it’s over. No lingering afterwards!
 4. Do ten of these, then post them~.

I admit I cheated because half of the stuff in my iTunes is instrumental and half of that remaining half is Japanese. So I had to skip a lot of songs until I got ones that actually had words (that and instrumentals tend to be either 1 minute or 12). Except the last song, which was in Russian. I got lazy and just wrote a drabble which has nothing to do with anything. This is actually hard, because you spend the first minute or two just being confused. I have trouble writing when listening to worded-music. XD

Fandom = Trinity Blood.
Characters = Isaak and Dietrich. Fandom = Trinity Blood.

We're going to say this is PG-15 to R. Because there is weird stuff here. Like Dietrich clubbing, necrophilia, mirror-molestation, and Isaak being jealous of a teenager.

You Keep me from Breaking Apart - Apoptygma Berzerk

I feel like you do it to me on purpose. I don't think you realize how hard it is for me to look away for even a moment. I can't take my eyes off of you, can't stop myself from reaching out and pulling at your hair gently the moment you get up to leave.

Is there a problem, you ask, not looking, reaching for your damn cigarillos I think you like better than me. And I want to hit you for being so unaware. But I only smile gently. You understand me. You are the only one who knows everything that happened to me.

Don't leave. (you protect me from my own chaos)

You hesitate a moment and sigh loudly. I know you are annoyed but you lie back down again and your arm goes around my waist. One of these days you'll get me in trouble, you whisper.

The Best Thing - Savage Garden

Dietrich ran off again. Stole my wallet and my car and he's God Knows Where now, spending all of my money and likely getting in an accident.

"Where are you?" I hide my irritation, and then I realize I am not irritated at all.

"Coming to get you." I can almost taste his smile as he says it. He must be wearing his sunglasses. "I want to go clubbing."

"I'm nearly forty."

"What's your point? If you can fuck you can club." He laughs then and hangs up.

I don't even know how to respond to that, but after a moment I sigh and reach for my coat.

He is wild. I was wild too, but he is still everything I could never be.

Tourniquit - Marilyn Manson

Isaak watches. It is all he can do; there is something going on in that room that he can never partake in. He was repulsed, disgusted, for years, but now he has come to accept it.

Dietrich arches back slowly, his body already beginning to convulse. He is still dressed, dressed enough to be able to slide off the body and be presentable in a matter of seconds. As as no one notices the blood on his clothes, the flushed look on his face, the sated eyes. Isaak can see his fingers moving slightly, using his strings, making the Autojaeger more alive than it ever should be. He keeps them sexually active when he kills them. So he can do this. So he can sneak down into the basement night after night and rape himself on the bodies. He can get on his hands and knees over them and sit back and gasp and sob when they penetrate him. But the release is perfect.

Isaak only stands in the doorway, watching.

Slut - L'ame Immortelle

You think you're so special, so great, just because you're getting fucked by the head mage. Haven't you realized yet that he's just using you? That he really hates you and were it not for your body being so attractive, you'd be dead by now? He's going to kill you in a few years, once you're too old to be interesting, once he's sick of you. He's already getting bored, isn't he? He doesn't do it as often. And even if he doesn't kill you, what will you be without him? You live for his sex. It's all you've done for eight years.

Eight years being his whore. You can't spend that long being something like that without losing everything that you were before. You are a slut. You are alone. And you're barely even alive when you aren't screaming under him.

The boy reached behind him and shut the light off. And with the light gone, he was alone again. The mirror could not laugh at him any longer.

Razvela - Lotos

Every time you smile I cringe. Or maybe that's only when you smile and I know it isn't about me. The only reason you should be allowed to show that light in your eyes is when I made it appear.

I watch you from across the room, talking to the other officer, the only other boy in the Orden who is even a decade within your age. You must be bored, living here with a dozen adults, a dozen adults who aren't even the same specie as you. Do you hate it? Do you hate us, sometimes, when you realize what we've done to you?
Being raised on what is largely a military base has isolated you from the world. I remember seeing you trying to interact with other kids when you were younger. You didn't even know what to do. You were awkward, nervous, frightened of them even, and in the end you would always return to us. I used to feel guilty, used to wonder what I did to you.

But now you have him. Ra. Du. And he makes you smile. And all of a sudden I can't stand to see that look in your eyes.

HalAl fic

2008-03-18T05:22:41Z

It's a HalAl fic! A really bad one, too.... He's extremely difficult to write, which is frustrating as he is my favorite character. There's something very broken and disconnected about this, though I can't decide if that's in-character or just really bad writing on my part. Well, yea.

Spoilers up to episode 23., HAL POV, so weird.PG13
Hallelujah, Allelujah, references to HxA, LxA, and AxT.
Hallelujah struggles to help Allelujah cope with their loss in the only way he knows how. Angst and mild fluff, seeing as Halle is being semi-decent for once.

FF.Net Link

A/N – Figures I was only able to finally write my HalAl fic after episode 23. Yea, MAJOR SPOILERS, so turn around if you haven’t already seen or heard. Alle’s my favorite character, Lockon x Alle one of my favorite pairings, so I couldn’t resist. ;_; I'm actually not very happy with the way this came out. I feel HalAl deserves better, but...eh. It's been a stressful last few days.

PG13 for language, character death, and sex references. Please pay attention to what is in italics! It’s important. Whoever isn’t controlling the body at the moment speaks in italics.

Hallelujah POV, to mess things up a bit. And I know it’s a bit choppy. Part of it is style, but I admit most of it is my shock and confusion over what happened in episode 23. I probably shouldn’t be writing about it so soon after. I get way too emotional.

Protect Me
By PikaCheeka

I hate it when he cries. I hate it more than anything, not because it shows how stupid and weak he is but because he is hurting. It’s okay if I hurt him, but not if someone else does. If he’s crying because of someone else it means I failed, and that doesn’t sit well with me, especially not when he’s making so much noise.

Shut up, Allelujah. What is crying going to do?

“He’s dead.” The words were flat and empty, as if he thought by saying them like that he could negate it. He just stood there, leaning against his closed door, staring at the floor through his tears. Closed and locked. Everyone else was together on the bridge, but he had come in here, not even crying until the door was locked, like he was afraid to let anyone else know he cared at all.

Aren’t you used to death by now? You’re still alive, so what does it matter? He’s dead. You’re not. He wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. And I bet he’d hate to see you crying like this just as much as…

“He’s…” he trailed off, his voice cracking off in another sob. Why did he have to cry now? He hadn’t even cried when he had heard. We had heard Setsuna screaming, Tieria sobbing, through the radio. And he had just sat there, whispering no no no again and again.

Allelujah. You know how much I hate it when you cry. Stop it.

He reflexively bit his wrist, his way to calm his tears that he’s had since he was a child. It didn’t work this time. It doesn’t normally work, but every time I tell him that he just gets more upset. “I. I loved him.”

Oh please, and you’re crying because you never told him how much you love him? You think he didn’t know? You were obsessed. So much so that I felt jealousy, not like you need to know that you stupid bastard. Not like you even noticed that I was seething in rage every time you cuddled up with him in bed. Just because he can physically be with you like that you think it’s okay to ditch me for him.

“I never did tell him. If I had told him…”

He’d still be dead. I don’t know why he went out there and did what he did, but he did it for a reason that was so deep it wouldn’t have changed for anything.

“You lie,” he snarled, and I almost smiled. Anything was better than crying.

Look, he knew how much everyone on this ship loved him and he still went and did it. Tieria tried to lock him away from Dynamos because he knew words were useless. You think just because you actually voiced how you felt it would change anything?

“What Tieria did was useless, too.”

Lockon would have done it no matter what. You can’t change someone’s mind if they’re determined to die. If you had told him you loved him, it wouldn’t have mattered either. Nothing mattered to him anymore. It wasn’t your fault.

“He didn’t want to die.” He had gone a full minute without sobbing now.

Why did he do that, then? Because he had to kill that guy. He knew he was going to die but his desire to kill that son of a bitch over-rode his desire to live. What he wanted didn’t matter. He was determined.

“Then you’re no better. All you care about is killing. You make me kill.” It was why he hated me and I knew that was why he hated me, but I put up with it because I only killed to protect him. If I had to live with his hatred that was fine, because it meant he was still alive.

No. I put life over all else. Killing others should be a part of staying alive. It shouldn’t be the other way around which is how it ended up with Lockon, who wrapped his whole being around revenge. Guess he was more unstable than he ever let on. He wasn’t fighting for an ideal like he pretended. He wanted it all to end.

“Halle, please…” he was shaking so violently I was shaking too, and after a moment I began to pull him away from the door. I had to make him move or he would stay there all night. I had to make him angry.

He was weak. He let himself die.

“What is wrong with you?” he cried, whipping around, trying to catch me, but I ducked behind him and grabbed him around the chest.

Calm down, Alle. I whispered, pushing him toward the bed and sitting him down. I continued to hold him, and for once he was receptive to my touches, vague as they were. I was almost afraid to let him go.

“You don’t even care about him.”

I do care, but I care about you more. Why are you too stupid to see that? I liked him well enough. Hell, of everyone we’ve ever met he was the one I preferred to be with, but I’m not stupid enough to get attached like you do, like all of you do. You fall in love and then they die or they leave you.

“So it’s better to not get close, to feel nothing?”

You’re wishing you felt nothing now. He thinks he’s so complicated, but he’s stupidly simple, which I guess means I am too but I can live with that. And I wasn’t saying that anyway. I added as an afterthought, resting my head on his shoulder. No, I wouldn’t want to feel nothing, not when I had him.

“I love him.”

Isn’t that better than having loved him? But I didn’t dare say it, didn’t want to get into an argument over that now. I had to steer this elsewhere. I could control him if I played it right, could make those tears stop. What are you so upset over? Compared to everyone else, you’re hardly the worst off. You came out on top.

“Shut up. Just because you…”

I what? You’re not alone. Yea he died, he left a few people alone, but you’re not one of them.
He opened his mouth to protest but I stopped him before he could speak, tightening my fingers over his lips.

Think about it. The girl on the bridge, with her entire family dead and now the boy she was in love with. He knew just as well as I that this was so. We had heard their conversation that day, which seems so long ago now though it was only a few weeks. And Setsuna. He has no family either, and Lockon was the closest he had to a brother, a friend. Tieria…

“Tieria has me.”

I groaned and leaned in close to his ear, breathing down his neck. Just because you slept with him once or twice… It’s not like he loved you. Maybe he didn’t hate you, but… That bitch hadn’t felt a damn thing until Lockon risked his life to save him.

He fought against me, though weakly, and I was able to knock him down, push him down on his stomach on the bed. I dropped down beside him and wrapped my arms around him. His face was wet against my shirt when he turned to press against me and I stroked his hair, unsure of what to do. He was crying not because of something I did, not because of something we both shared, but because I had failed to protect him. Why the hell do you care? I know you like Tieria but you knew how he felt. Why are you stupid enough to open up to people if it only hurts you? But even as I spoke I knew I was speaking to not only him but to myself. Because I was hurting, too, hurting because he was hurting and I didn’t protect him. Look at everyone else. They find someone and then that person dies and they’re alone again and every damn time they turn around they face it all over again. Why do you want to be like that? You have me, you damn son of a bitch. Me. I won’t leave you. I can’t leave you. If you let yourself have only me and stop trying to have others too than you won’t ever get hurt again and you’ll be safe. You’ll be mine. I could not tell if he was listening, but his tears had slowed, his hands relaxing on my back.

“Hallelujah…” he whispered.

See, you’re not alone. Even though he died. You’re not alone like the rest of them are now, and you can never be alone.

“But I…”

I knew what he was going to say and I cut him off, just as I have so many times before. We may not both have two different bodies but you can still feel me. Can’t you still feel my arms around you? I knew he could, because sometimes he would tell me to stop touching him, and it’s not as if we never had sex. Maybe afterwards he felt dirty and uncomfortable but during it he never seemed to notice that we had to share. He couldn’t know how much it hurt when he asked that, couldn’t know how much I wanted to be able to give him everything he wanted.

He pushed his face harder against my chest, his voice so muffled I barely heard it. “I need more.”

I love you. I didn’t even mean to say it. I’ve said it a lot, but usually only to annoy him. Or when we were little and he didn’t understand what it meant but just accepted it. But now it holds a new meaning and I’m not sure what to do with it. When we knew that guy was dead and I felt something inside Alle break, I felt something break inside me too, and I know now that what he felt for Lockon is what I feel for Alle. And I won’t die on you.

He froze. This is why you never tell people you love them. Because they never believe you. It’s better not to love at all because then you never get hurt. You don’t get them thinking you’re lying and you don’t get them leaving or dying. Alle will never leave or die, not without me. But he doesn’t believe me either, and that’s even worse I sometimes think. And I knew this was the real reason he never told Lockon anything.

“Never?” he finally whispered after a long moment.

I almost laughed. How many times had he begged me to leave him alone? How many nights had he lain awake cursing that vicious entity in his head that would kill anyone and anything that ever dared hurt him, leaving him to take the horror and blame? Never.

He did not respond, and I took that minute to untangle us and push him back at arms length, watching as he impulsively reached up and touched his shoulders where my hands were. He’s spent half his life with his arms folded over himself, protecting himself. I leaned my forehead against his and met his eye, as placid and gray as mine was vibrant and gold.

You are stronger than the rest of them because you have me and you know you can never be alone. Why are you staying locked up in here? I hated to say it but I had to say it, say it for him. It was what he would have wanted me to say, even though it wasn’t something Hallelujah should ever say. Go to everyone else. They need you now. They need someone to be strong. Just don’t get attached, you moron, or you’re going to get hurt all over again.

“Hallelujah?” His voice was soft, cracked. He cries too much. “Take over.”

What?

“Take over. Until I can stop feeling the pain. I’m giving up. I need you to live it for me for a while.” He was shaking as he spoke, his arms tightly wrapped around his body again.

I hesitated a moment, unsure. But you spend half your life telling me to leave you alone. I reached out to touch his face. I thought he was going to slap me away for a moment until I realized what he was doing, realized he was brushing his hair back, not like it really matters but he thinks it does and I know when he does that he wants me there.

Protect me, Hallelujah.

And that easily it was suddenly him crying in my head, not me yelling in his head, and I stood and walked quietly from the room, wiping the tears that were not my own from my face. It wasn’t until a moment later that I realized they were not only his tears. They were mine as well. I was not crying for the one dead though, no, I would not do that. I was crying for him. Crying for him because I not only felt his pain, but because in asking me what he had just asked, he had finally accepted my love for him.

“I will, Allelujah.”